Common signs of negative self-esteem

  • A strong self critic (e.g., negative self-talk, blame, self-doubt)

  • Experiencing anxiety or depression

  • Difficulty speaking up for yourself or asserting your needs and preferences

  • Assumption that you will not do well, fail, or mess something up

  • Undefined or diffuse boundaries with others

  • Believing challenging situations or others’ negative treatment of you are evidence of personal failure or low value and worth

  • Self deprecating or deflective humor

  • Rejecting compliments, difficulty validating positive qualities or personal accomplishments

  • People pleasing

  • Overcompensation through work, competition, bullying, or perfectionism

  • Feel undeserving of self care, generosity, pleasure, advancement, or support

  • Difficulty with anger - not feeling entitled to be angry or becoming defensive/aggressive with others

  • Self destructive behavior

What is the definition of self esteem

Generally speaking, self-esteem refers to the way that you think about and view yourself, and how this relates to your core beliefs about personal value. It’s expected that your opinion of yourself may ebb and flow with life events or feedback. But a healthy self-esteem includes a balanced recognition that you have strengths and weaknesses and are generally okay. You don’t have to be your ideal self before affirming that you have value. Having a healthy self-esteem doesn’t mean you overlook shortcomings - but you aren’t fully defined by them. Whereas self-compassion is often about self-directed kindness and empathy in the context of adversity or distress (e.g., how would you treat a friend going through a hard time), healthy self-esteem means you have a present-oriented, holistic perspective of yourself, positives and negatives, grounded on the idea that all humans are deserving of dignity and respect - including you.

What factors affect self-esteem

Negative self esteem is having an overall unfavorable view of yourself or having low self worth. Negative self esteem can develop as a result of many things - such as family upbringing, significant past experiences, relationships, traumas, peer interactions or belongingness, and social expectations. As children we form impressions of ourselves primarily based on the impressions others have of us. This includes the comments, feedback and responses we get from parents, siblings, classmates, teachers, friends, neighbors, significant others, and people inside and outside of our social group or community. If you were given a dynamic range of opinions and views that included praise and constructive criticism, you are likely to develop a multifaceted sense of self that integrates positives and negatives. However, if you were raised in a critical or invalidating environment, it would be tough not to overemphasize real and perceived negatives and fail to see positives. Sometimes major events or milestones can affect self esteem, as they often highlight aspects of who we are in key developmental, high-stakes, or sometimes public moments. Often the people in our lives that we are closest to, depend on, or spend the most time with (e.g., family members, partners, friends, coworkers) can have a strong influence on our self-esteem as well.

A multicultural note: your social location may have helped or hurt your self esteem (or both)

Since birth, we constantly receive messages about our value based on parts of who we are and our social location. Privilege and oppression deeply affect how we see ourselves since these experiences are reinforced on a group and systems-level. If you were told (or sensed) repeatedly from a young age that you are not as smart, strong, capable, desirable, or likely to be successful because of some part of who you are (e.g., gender, sexuality, race, disability, etc) - it’s likely to be internalized as fact and become a lens through which you view yourself. Versus if you have multiple experiences of people believing in, including, or even favoring you - it’s not such a hard leap for you to feel the same way about yourself. Acknowledging the impact of social location on our self-esteem (in positive and negative ways) is often incredibly helpful as a starting point.

yellow mural with words believe in yourself

How can therapy for self esteem help me?

Therapy for self esteem often starts with identifying what areas of your life you have negative self esteem. You may struggle with negative self-esteem across the board, or you may notice it in a specific area. For example, you have a strong professional identity where you readily list your strengths and take constructive criticism in stride, typically seeing yourself as a capable person. However, when it comes to your relationships, you may believe you’re an undesirable potential romantic partner. Therapy for self esteem usually encourages reflection on how your self-esteem developed or was negatively impacted.

Sometimes processing traumas, learning self-compassion, or reframing the core beliefs you carried forward from significant memories can fundamentally change your sense of self. Tackling a loud inner critic is often a key part of therapy for self esteem. You may focus on identifying the ways that you unknowingly reinforce a small view of yourself every day. Elevating your standards, creating boundaries, unapologetically prioritizing needs, even accepting generosity can all be actionable choices that highlight you are deserving of care and respect - because you have value. In sessions you may celebrate strengths or positive qualities, proactively bolster growth areas, or nourish an aspect of your identity that has been stigmatized or neglected.

Finding a self esteem therapist in NYC - we’d love to help

It is never too late to work on self esteem. How we view ourselves has bearing on every other aspect of our lives - and can be a source of strength, celebration, empathy for ourselves and others, and motivation. Our team of psychologists at Manhattan Therapy Collective are trained in a number of therapy approaches that support improving self esteem, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Relational Cultural Therapy. We encourage you to reach out for support - we’d love to connect with you and help you see yourself as the wonderful, imperfect, growing, unique, and worthwhile person that you are. Negative self esteem can be incredibly harmful - and lead to mood disorders, loneliness, unsatisfying relationships, and self-destructive behavior. In therapy, you can discover a new lens to see yourself and relate to the world.

 

Common questions about therapy for self esteem

 

  • Absolutely not. Having a healthy self esteem is actually an antidote to both self-deprecation and an overly inflated sense of self - because the goal is to see your full self - strengths and weaknesses, while retaining self-respect. Negative self-esteem and self-absorption are both ways of being unduly preoccupied with yourself - in opposite ways. Healthy self-esteem is about an accurate, balanced perspective, which includes celebrating all that is great about you and recognizing that everyone has something to work on. When we are realistic and empathetic about who we are - we stop overfocusing on ourselves and are freed up to pay attention to others and the world around us.

  • It may not be - at first. Your relationship with your therapist is a relational microcosm, meaning you’re likely to repeat the patterns you have with others with your therapist. So it would make sense that if you have trouble believing positive feedback from others, you would initially in therapy as well. The difference is that in therapy we don’t stop there - we will get curious about the underlying and reinforcing mechanisms in place that make this a pattern for you. If you’re committed to attending therapy and trying things out, we’re committed to helping you experience growth and change.