How Do I Manage my Emotions? The Effect of Trauma on Emotion Regulation
By Peggy Loo, PhD
Mister Rogers was known for saying “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary.”
One of the most common therapy goals I hear from my patients is learning to manage emotions, which makes a ton of sense. While the ability to feel emotions every day is what makes us human and enriches our lives with depth and vibrancy - when emotions feel (no pun intended) out of control - it’s disempowering, even scary. Even though emotions can serve as an internal compass or gut-check in many situations - we can also feel betrayed or confused by our emotional reactions.
Often what I focus on with patients is individual emotion regulation skills, or proactive strategies that channel what you’re feeling in a constructive way so you feel more grounded. I do believe that each of our emotions serve a purpose, and there is no such thing as a “negative” emotion - just ones that are harder to sit with or less socially acceptable to openly express. Instead of focusing on separate skills, I’d like to focus on emotion regulation as a state of being and talk about the Window of Tolerance. Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that it was hard to think straight or figure out what to do? Or the opposite - you felt so little that it was like being detached from the moment or yourself? Neither probably felt good or like you were in control of your emotions. In both instances you were probably outside of your Window of Tolerance.
What is the Window of Tolerance?
Psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel came up with the term “window of tolerance” (Siegel, 1999) to describe the zone of nervous system arousal where you can be present, flexible, and engaged mentally, emotionally, and physiologically in a situation. Think of it like being in an emotion regulation sweet spot or being in the driver’s seat. In your Window of Tolerance state, you can think clearly, notice what you’re feeling, be present in your body, and adaptively respond to what’s happening. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re happy or that your feelings don’t fluctuate - in fact, you could be feeling stressed or upset about something. When you’re edging close to the upper or lower limit of your window is when you may start feeling a little dysregulated, or emotionally out of sorts. But if you remain within your Window of Tolerance, you can flexibly handle some ups and downs of what you’re feeling, calm down if needed, and problem solve. You might even be curious or self-reflective about your experience. There are also many things that affect the size of your Window - including personality and temperament, role modeling about emotions, mental health literacy, physical health (e.g., consider what happens when you’re hungry, tired, or in pain), multicultural factors, and life experiences - such as trauma. So what happens when you move outside of your Window of Tolerance? And how does trauma in particular affect the size of your window?
The effect of trauma on emotion regulation
Trauma is inherently dysregulating on an emotional level - since traumatic events often mean the presence of severe personal harm or the stark absence of what we need to thrive. We often try to cope with trauma by “over-regulating” or “under-regulating” our emotions, meaning we try to aggressively suppress our emotions or we have no idea how to reign them in. Either way, we end up feeling too much or not enough at all. Hyperarousal occurs when you are above your Window of Tolerance and are overwhelmed or flooded by emotions. You may feel panicky, restless, irritable, angry, like crying, hyperalert - like your fight or flight response has been activated. Hypoarousal occurs when you are below your Window of Tolerance. In contrast, you may feel shut down, numb, passive, dissociated, even lethargic and depressed. Interestingly enough, both states of being feel out of your control.
Everyone can benefit from becoming more aware of their Window of Tolerance and a great therapy goal for anyone is to expand their Window across different types of situations. No one is perfect. Whether or not a person leans towards over-regulating or under-regulating their emotions in ordinary circumstances, trauma tends to diminish the size of the Window of Tolerance. Growing your Window requires physical and emotional safety so you can identify what you’re feeling without threat - then get curious and try what helps address that emotion. More often than not, people in traumatic situations are so geared towards pure survival that there is no time, space, or support to reflect or do this at all. Or, counterintuitively, sometimes it makes sense from a survival standpoint to stay outside your Window.
We all do our best to manage our emotions - whether or not it looks like it from the outside
The more trauma someone has experienced can often mean the more literal time they have spent outside of their Window, through no fault of their own. It is important to remember that often our responses to trauma are our best efforts to adapt for survival, especially when it comes to trying to modulate distress. For example, if your traumatic experiences included an abusive caregiver, you may have shut off in order to try and manage what would have been too much to process or out of your control. If you were trying to navigate a chaotic environment, you may have had to be on guard and vigilant at all times to stay safe. You may have had to oscillate between being above or below your Window of Tolerance depending on what circumstances you were trying to make it through. Unfortunately, this means that the areas outside of your Window became far more familiar to you and overdeveloped. Again, experiencing trauma often means a narrower Window of Tolerance. Having this narrower Window of Tolerance means that even minor stressors can push you outside your optimal zone of emotion regulation and you become quickly overwhelmed or shut down.
Whenever we start to feel out of control with our emotions, we want to find ways to return to our Window of Tolerance, or the driver’s seat. Many of us may have not been taught or encouraged to do this - and if you’ve experienced trauma, it’s probably even less likely you had opportunities to do so. While there are a lot of ways to do this, an important consideration is that not all ways of shifting back into our Window of Tolerance are created equal. In other words, some strategies used to manage hyperarousal or hypoarousal may not be healthy in the long run. For example, substance use or high risk behaviors can be a way to “feel something” for someone who has trouble feeling much. Disordered eating, picking fights, or even becoming a workaholic or perfectionist can be a way to manage hyperarousal and regain a sense of control. However in these instances, these strategies often create new problems to address. If you notice that you are doing some of these things to cope and don’t love that you are - a route to self-compassion is recognizing that everyone is doing their best to manage their emotions - whether or not it looks like it from the outside. Even if your strategy may not ultimately serve you, the desire to feel better is universally relatable. In other words, it’s not you that’s the problem - it’s your strategy. Often a goal in therapy for trauma is to understand and practice skills or strategies that do bring you into your Window of Tolerance in healthy ways. Once this happens, effort can be channeled towards widening the Window of Tolerance so you feel capable and connected to yourself whatever situation you face. So what can we do?
Five Tips for Emotion Regulation
1. Get to know your Window of Tolerance.
Notice what it feels like you’re in your ideal zone - when you are fully dialed into a moment and yourself - so you know what state you’re at your best to regulate your emotions. If you’re not sure, you can start by noticing how you feel at the end of a good day, when you’re proud of how you handled something stressful, or when you’re generally calm and present.
2. Become mindful when you are outside your Window of Tolerance.
Use your observation skills to notice clues signaling you are outside your optimal zone. What do you tend to think, feel, or do when you are feeling very overwhelmed? Or when you feel checked out and detached? These are good details to pay attention to and remember.
3. Practice or experiment with what helps you shift back into your Window of Tolerance.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, does getting 5 minutes alone with a door closed help? If you are feeling detached, does getting outside for some fresh air put you back in touch with your body and your feelings? Be open to trying a bunch of things and see what works.
4. Be kind and patient with yourself.
Everyone can use help managing dysregulation. Wherever you are starting from, remember that emotion regulation can be learned and practiced, and every Window of Tolerance can grow.
5. Consider working with a therapist.
Working with a therapist can help you recognize what triggers push you outside of your Window of Tolerance and how to respond effectively with professional and positive support. Especially if you are trying to process traumatic experiences, having a sounding board and consistent, compassionate support can keep you steady as you learn to ground yourself in what works for you.
About the Author: Dr. Peggy Loo is a trauma-informed licensed psychologist working on expanding her Window of Tolerance. She enjoys long walks with her dog when she is above her Window of Tolerance and listening to throwback 90s music when she is below it.
Siegel, D.J. (1999). The developing mind: How relationship and the brain interact to shape who we are. New York: Bantam Books.