Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries Successfully, From Our Psychologists
By Angela Gwak, PhD., Peggy Loo, PhD., Eleanor McGlinchey, PhD., and Laura Meli, PhD
A topic that we as psychologists frequently discuss and support our patients with is boundary setting. You may automatically think of interpersonal boundaries - the ones we create in relationships, whether that is with a challenging co-worker, family member, or the chatty person who sat next to you on that early morning flight. However, there are many types of boundaries. Boundaries with your time, living space, energy, body, screen or social media use, finances, and personal belongings are just a few examples of areas where identifying and communicating limits can be impactful. We acknowledge that setting boundaries is challenging for everyone - because it requires a change to what is often habit, non-confrontational, or the prior “default” way of being. Our psychologists chime in on:
What advice would you offer someone who’s struggling with setting boundaries?
Tip #1: Start with a personal audit and observe.
Dr. McGlinchey: Do an audit of how and where you are spending your time and energy. Although you might automatically think of a specific area of your life you want to set boundaries, I have found it helpful to start with an overall personal audit of time and energy spent. This often gives clues about how boundaries are being encroached upon or even where you might be avoiding helpful limit setting. As a recent example (and a bit extreme in my case!), I was without my cell phone for a week. At first it was mostly irritating, but as the week progressed, I noticed how often I am typically responding to calls and texts from others or how I often used my phone to (ineffectively) distract me from stress and anxiety. After being reunited with my phone, I have been able to implement some additional boundaries around where and when I respond to calls and texts, which are examples of time, energy, and space boundaries. I’m also tuning into my stress to see if I can more effectively problem solve rather than simply distract myself. Another example of a time boundary and one I highly recommend - try waiting until after your morning routine is completed before picking up your phone or getting on your computer. You can start the day on your terms, safeguarding your morning energy instead of immediately engaging with the stressors that can come with work or others demanding your attention.
Tip #2: Consider a boundary with social media
Dr. Gwak: It’s true that social media platforms can make us feel up-to-date with current trends and the latest hot news. And they can indeed make us feel connected to our social worlds. At times, however, they contribute to feelings of deep dissatisfaction, especially when we compare ourselves with others or an influencer’s portrayal of physical beauty or luxurious living and vacationing. For many, FOMO is activated when they receive constant updates on friends’ activities through their feeds. We’ve also been exposed to social media algorithms, which collect our interests and likes. And with a simple click, we’ve all been guilty of purchasing items that were unnecessary due to targeted ads. If you’re spending more time on social media than you’d like or notice that it’s hampering your mood or physical activity more often than not, then I encourage you to pause and reflect on how these platforms have affected your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. If the negative effects of social media use is outweighing your enjoyment or connection to others, it’s perhaps time to create healthier boundaries. You may want to take a break completely or experiment with some changes, like turning off your notifications. Setting aside a limited time during the day to be active on these platforms could be a good start. For those who are struggling to follow through with this, you may consider deleting some apps, temporarily or permanently. I know it’s hard to create these intentional boundaries. But you may be surprised how freeing this could be! When you’re less tethered and influenced by social media, you might take the opportunity to enjoy the simple things in life, to schedule activities you’ve been wanting to do, and to meaningfully connect with your friends and family in real time.
Tip #3: Get curious about the feelings that pop up when you try boundary setting - especially guilt.
Dr. Meli: Like many forms of change and growth, setting new boundaries can sometimes seem to make things feel worse before they begin to feel better. It’s quite common to experience guilt when implementing a new boundary, especially when a boundary involves changes to relationships or environments that you care about. If having boundaries can induce such a yucky feeling, why would you ever want to set a boundary? Better to keep things as they are, no matter how unsatisfying the status quo, right? Perhaps… but let’s consider it from a different perspective – using mindfulness of emotions. Generally speaking, mindfulness is all about paying purposeful attention to the present moment and without judgement. Mindfulness of emotions encourages curiosity towards emotions, instead of judging them as good or bad (or judging yourself for having certain emotions). Practicing mindfulness of emotions can help improve your ability to tolerate undesired feelings – like the initial guilt that may arise when setting an important, healthy boundary.
In this situation, it can be helpful to first notice what you’re feeling and get curious about it. If you’re feeling uncomfortable after setting a healthy boundary, ask yourself:“What emotion am I feeling?” Then, answer the question for yourself: “I’m feeling A & B”. It may sound simple (or perhaps a little funny to talk to yourself), but slowing down, observing your feelings, and labeling specific emotions is an important and effective way to reduce emotional discomfort. It’s also important to remember that while guilt is a particularly unpleasant emotion, it is a useful one! We usually think of guilt as a message that we’ve done wrong. However, feeling guilt is not the same as having done something wrong. Rather, guilt encourages self-reflection on whether you’ve done something against your personal ethics. If you feel guilt when setting a new boundary, consider asking yourself this: “Are you doing something bad or wrong, or are you doing something that feels new or different?” Sometimes, the initial guilt felt when setting a boundary arises simply because you are making changes to your behavior. Give yourself time to get used to the new, healthy behaviors you’re creating.
Tip #4: Specify what a boundary adds to your life - and keep your answer front and center.
Dr. Loo: By the time patients talk to me about boundary setting - it’s usually because they’ve reached some kind of tipping (or breaking) point. It could be that their needs are being eclipsed by an increasingly challenging friend or family member, they are too frequently staying late at work, or noticing building irritability that’s impossible to shake. People often feel exhausted, hurt, or disrespected - and the main motivation for a new boundary is wanting relief. While distress is sometimes an incredibly useful driver and catalyst for change - it may not be enough to fuel the persistence that’s often necessary for setting new boundaries successfully. Boundary setting is a lot of work! When that’s the case, I find that it can be grounding and even reenergizing to get very specific and name your “why”. In other words, what good thing(s) are you wanting more of? If you’re feeling discouraged or overwhelmed at the prospect of setting (or maintaining) a boundary - ask yourself: What does this boundary add to my life that I really want or value? Be specific and don’t simply parrot what your friends, therapist, or partner has said about it! Your answer has to resonate for you personally. I find that most of the time (myself included), we can forget that it matters that we believe in or excited about what gifts a new boundary will bring to our lives. Especially since boundary setting is effortful, usually requiring some mental and emotional labor - staying in touch with the bigger, better picture can encourage (and even inspire) you through the process.
Setting and keeping boundaries takes effort, practice, time, and lots of patience and support. If you’ve been trying to create new boundaries in your life and it’s been a challenge - rest assured, this is completely normal and expected! Making any kind of change to what may be routine is tough - and having regular, compassionate support can help. We encourage you to consider therapy - all of the psychologists at Manhattan Therapy Collective regularly help people assess and practice new boundaries to support their emotional wellbeing. Therapy may look like creative brainstorming where a tweaked boundary could better support your energy levels or mood. It could involve troubleshooting where you tend to get stuck in the process or give up and encouraging greater self-understanding or trying something different. There may be unique reasons why boundary setting is difficult for you that are worth discussing, or a particularly sticky situation you’re trying to navigate. We encourage you to reach out!
About the Authors: Drs. Gwak, Loo, McGlinchey, & Meli are a part of the clinical team at Manhattan Therapy Collective. In addition to helping their patients with setting boundaries, they understand the unique challenges of doing so, both personally and professionally. They remain committed to practicing what they preach and reflecting on what healthy boundaries are for every stage of life.